As 'Holly Jolly' As It Gets
by Championship Vinyl
Summary: I promised I'd do a Gilmore Girls Christmas special to go with my Anastasia one, so here it is. It's fun, hope you enjoy it, and it's not long, just a few chapters. Funny, post-season 7, L/L with Stars Hollow characters thrown in. Emily involved! ;D
1. The Holiday Hollow

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**Takes place the Christmas after season seven. Just a short story, not individual oneshots like my Anastasia special. Mostly Luke/Lorelai, but a lot of Stars Hollow in there too. Reviews make great stocking stuffers...:D**

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"Refill."

"The fries or the coffee?"

"Should I _have_ to choose?" Lorelai held up her empty mug and crumb-filled basket. "Must have snackage!"

Luke rolled his eyes from behind the counter and took the empty basket from her hand, transferring it to Ceaser. "Refill on the fries."

Ceaser wouldn't take it just yet. "I'm supposed to be taking my ten, you know."

"Oh, really!" Luke's blue eyes lit up with unbeleivably fake enthusiasm. "In that case, go ahead. In fact, take thirty. Or an hour---hell, take the week off. Ignore the hungry customers, they'll just graze on the lawn like God intended."

"This bitter attitude of yours can't be healthy," Ceaser pointed out, and snatched the tray, heading back to the kitchen.

"On the contrary, my blood pressure's been excellent." He turned back to an amused Lorelai, and swapped the sarcasm for curiosity. "So what were you saying about Saturday?"

"Oh, that." Lorelai deflated noticeably. She loved to talk, but this particular subject was about as much fun as being one of those moles in a Whack-A-Mole game. "The _Gilmores_ are hosting their annual Christmas party---which of _course_ is not acually _on_ Christmas. It's supposed to _snow _on Christmas, and that would just be a _bother_....I mean, what is so wrong with a little snow on Christmas? It's a New England _tradition_. _Bing Crosby_ sang about it. Frosty sure as hell couldn't get by without it.... And she said we were '_expected_.' Just like that. '_Expected_.' Can you believe that? Catharine The Great has summoned. I suppose we have to bring a severed head to pass, and bow five times when we enter or leave a room.... Which would be _cake_ compared to an evening with _Emily_. We should just stay home and watch _Saw II_ again, it's the same basic idea, except the evening with Emily doesn't have the warm and fuzzy morals...."

She was in rant mode now, and Luke cut her off. He fully recognized that she'd gotten better at this since spending time with him, and he didn't plan to call attention to it. "Anything I can say to shut you up?"

By now her fries had been refilled, and Lorelai stuffed one in her mouth. "That my mother's spending Christmas in Europe would be nice."

Luke poured a fresh batch of coffee into her mug for the third time in a row and nodded toward the window behind her. "How about 'it's snowing?'"

She gasped, whirling around on her stool and sending her dark brown waves flying. "No!" she exclaimed, but it wasn't a _sad_ 'no.' It was a _happy_ 'no.'

"Yep."

"You know what that means?" she asked semi-rhetorically, turning back around.

"Uh, let's see..." He was trying to remember what she'd said a long time ago.... "Hot cocoa, hot toddies, sledding, curling, and various other 'magic?'"

"Well." Lorelai let a develish look cross her face. "That, and my mother will be _so_ ticked off tomorrow."


	2. VanUppity Shindigs And Valedictorians

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**Begins with Luke/Lorelai outside of Richard and Emily's for the Christmas party. Chapter will contain Emily and also another familiar character that you may or may not expect to pop up. Also, I don't own Rachel Ray, the Godfather, Tom Cruise, or anything else I may reference in this story. Gets funnier, if I do say so myself. (Hypnotism begins:) You want to reviewww... You will reviewww...**

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A lot of people might say that, if you grew up in a place, it would be fairly easy to approach the door, and even easier to, say, step inside. But it is guaranteed that none of these people would be Lorelai Gilmore. And _especially_ not Lorelai Gilmore with her fianceé in tow.

The second the two of them stepped out of the truck, a chorus of imaginary moviegoers screaming _Don't go in there_ popped into Lorelai's head. Luke didn't seem too thrilled either, because he had a look on his face that seemed to say _death row_.

"All right," Lorelai managed when they stopped in front of the massive doors. She went over the checklist. "Coat off, rolled in a ball?"

"Coat is off, rolling as we speak."

"Hostess gifts?"

Luke held up the box of _Ferrero-Rochér_ dark chocolates they'd just picked up in Hartford. "If you mean bribery, then yes."

"And what will become the story at _exactly_ nine-fifteen?"

Luke sighed. "I am _not_ telling people that you need an immediate kidney transplant."

"Come on! If you don't like the kidney story, just use the 'Sookie-in-a-plane-crash' one I suggested."

"Lorelai...."

"Or food poisoning, but that's kind of a last-effort old standby...."

"Lorelai, can we just get inside?" He really wasn't looking forward to what awaited him in there, but it was December in Connecticut. They'd be lucky if the barometer said five degrees.

"Fine, fine." She took a deep breath, did a quick adjustment of her black-and-green cocktail dress, and pressed the button for the doorbell. She tried adjusting Luke's tie for him, too, but he swatted her hand away.

"Leave it."

A maid was quick to answer, pulling the door open with a sligtly condescending look on her face. "The Gilmores are entertaining in the family room," was her icy greeting, and snatching their coats, she hurried off to tend to the salmon puffs.

"Ohhhh-kay then. I guess we'll show ourselves in." Lorelai glanced at Luke with a 'here-we-go' face and stepped into the house.

"Lorelai! Good, you're here." The voice made its way to her like it had its own radar system.

"How did she find us that quickly?" She whisper-hissed. Then, putting on her 'cheerful' voice: "Mom, hi! Great party. You remember Luke."

Emily seemed stressed beyond belief, something that she'd never let on to her other guests. _Lucky me,_ Lorelai thought. "Of _course_ I remember Luke, Lorelai, you're engaged for God's sake. I'm not an invalid."

"Emily," Luke cut in, pouring on the charm even though sucking up in this house got him nowhere, "great to see you again. You're looking wonderful. And this is a great party, really, thanks again for inviting us." He handed her the chocolates.

Emily, of course, put her hostess face right back on. "Why, thank you, Luke, that's so kind of you. And how thoughtful to bring a gift---you can't imagine how often Mr. Gilmore and I get tired of fine, imported desserts, so this will really be a nice change of pace."

Lorelai, behind her, had of course been doing the slash-across-the-throat motion over and over again. When that failed, she switched to the club-her-over-the-head motion. Emily turned. Lorelai pretended to be pointing out the chandelier. "You see, exactly what I told you, it's a nineteen...thirty...five...diamondy...thing...."

"Twenty nine. And stop that," Emily corrected. Lorelai did as told. "Everything's been in chaos since that damn snow. You'd think a storm could wait a few measly hours," Emily grumbled. "Now, make sure you make the rounds, there are very imortant friends of ours here, and I don't want the two of you sulking in the corner all night. We hired a barista this year, so cocktails are on the left, and for God's sake Lorelai, there had better be apple tarts left over. I'm checking your purse before you leave."

Emily turned on her Christian Louboutins then and walked off to greet another guest, leaving a trail of Chanel No. 5 in her wake.

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"I feel like one of those munchkins with the lollipops."

"Well, just think," Lorelai consoled, "that was only the first three minutes. You've got seventy-two more ahead of you, so there's plenty of time to get even shorter. Then we can just leave through that crack in the floorboards." She grabbed his arm and headed for the buffet. "Come on, I'll be damned if I don't get an apple tart out of this. And I'd start drinking if I were you."

Just before they made it to the buffet table, a young woman to the left broke off from her group and headed straight for them. "Mom! Luke!"

Lorelai was completely shocked---they _both_ were. "Rory! Oh my God, what are you _doing_ here?" She wrapped her daughter in a hug.

"I told you I was coming for Christmas."

"Yeah, but you said you weren't getting in till Sunday."

Rory hugged Luke next. "Well, I just got here. My schedule cleared up, so I wanted it to be a surprise. Surprised?"

"Very surprised. And happy. Seriously, Oprah, just find me a couch and the jumping will commence."

"It's great to see you, Rory," Luke cut in.

"It's great to see you guys, too. It's great to be back here. I can't wait to see everybody."

"Yea yeah yeah, now let's get to the important stuff," Lorelai said, lowering her voice. "Did you get a peek at the gifts?"

Luke doubted it. "She said she just got here, I don't think---"

"Better than last year," Rory answered. Luke stood corrected by a Gilmore yet again. "I even managed to open them this time. She goes to the bathroom, I snag the presents, sneak off to the study, and bada-bing! Nothing a little Scotch tape couldn't fix."

"Ah, I'm so proud of my little Costanzia," Lorelai squealed. "So, what's the verdict?"

"Well, _I_ got an original binding of Tolstoy's _Ressurection_ printed _entirely_ in French, which is great 'cause it's _impossible _to find now, all though I was kind of hoping there'd be a French-English dictionary in there too...."

Lorelai waved the thought away. "That's great, Rachel Ray, but cut the monologue---what did _I_ get?"

This time Rory gave her an amused, sly look. "Oh, you'll just have to wait and see this one."


	3. You're Kidding, Right?

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**Immediately after the party. Kinda short. Very funny. Love reviews. Can't think of any more two-word sentences.**

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Rory was a liar. A very big liar. A big-fat-laughing-hysterically-even-after-loudly-saying-'shut-up'-liar.

It was not better than last year. It was worse. Way worse.

Lorelai had unwrapped their present as soon as she got back in the truck.

It was a weasel. A stupid, ceramic weasel. With a creepy-looking smile and tiny ears and...stupid...weasel feet....

Lorelai was ripped from her thoughts by the sound of Luke in a fit of hysterical laughter. She glared at him. "This is funny to you?"

"That thing is the pet Babette's gnomes didn't even want."

"It was adressed to you, too, you know."

Luke was still laughing as he stuck the key in the ignition. He put on the sarcastic, squeaky voice he usually reserved for impersonating Taylor. "Oh, goody! I always liked Stuart Little. My life is now complete."

"What the hell am I supposed to do with a ceramic rodent? What, is it like, a paperweight? A door stop? Do you tie it to your relatives when you throw them in the lake, 'cause I've got candidates in mind...."

Luke chimed in with the squeaky voice again, this time speaking as the weasel. "Don't _say_ that mommy, I _wuv_ you."

"Shut up!"

He dropped the voice, but the laughing continued, and would for the rest of the ride home. "Never has going to your mother's house been this worth it. We should do this every holiday. Maybe at Easter you'll get a bunny---then the weasel's got somebody to play with."

"Luke...."

"I wonder which woodland creature goes with Hannukah...."


	4. Pay It Forward

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**Last chapter. Still funny. Lots of Stars Hollow. Please review. Merry Christmas from CV.**

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Sookie was bustling around the kitchen, checking on everything from the _paté_ to the giant pot of the magic rissoto, when the doorbell rang.

"Who is it?" she shouted, giving the brunch setting one last adjustment.

"Candygram! Landshark!"

An answer like that could only mean one person. Sookie dropped everything and opened the door. "Come in, you guys! Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," Luke, Rory and Lorelai all replied, stepping into the house. "Wow," Lorelai added, "it smells _seriously_ good in here. It's not my last meal, is it?"

"Not that I know of," Sookie laughed. "And if it is, then there should definitely be taquitos."

"Exactly---I cannot die without a ginormous plate of taquitos. And you can quote me on that." Lorelai then produced the gift-wrapped box she'd been holding. She'd wrapped it last night, so neither Luke nor Rory knew the contents. "We got you something!"

"Oh, you guys didn't have to do that!" Sookie sat down on the sofa anyway and peeled at the wrapping paper.

When she opened the box, she lifted out a giant ceramic weasel.

"Wow. You guys really didn't have to do that."

Luke and Rory both shot Lorelai a _you-can't-be-serious_ look. Lorelai responded by ignoring them, smiling, and elbowing then both in a _not-a-word_ kind of way. "You like it? You can use it as as, you know, like a paperweight or something."

Sookie put the rat back in the box. "Aw, I love it. It's great, guys, thanks." The wail of a little girl rose up in the background. "Oh, that's Martha. I should check on her."

She hurried off to tend to her crying toddler, and Lorelai gave the other two a smug look.

"That was cruel," Luke said. "Why would you force that piece of crap on somebody you _like_?" He was trying not to laugh, just a little bit. "That's the kind of thing you treasure for the rest of your life. Put it on the mantle. Shine a spotlight on it. Introduce it to people as your other child."

"I hope you're satisfied with yourself," Rory added.

Lorelai just smiled.

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Once the feast was cleared up and the guests had moved on, Sookie and Jackson grabbed the kids, bundled up, and did their own holiday visiting.

"I don't see why we had to get something for _everybody_," Jackson complained. "We don't even talk to most of these people except at town meetings. Gypsy's strobe light alone was thirty-five bucks. I'm sorry---who even _needs_ a strobe light?"

"It's _fun_," Sookie defended, "and it would be rude _not_ to. Now come on," she said, approaching a door. The re-wrapped weasel figurine was under one arm. "Andrew's first."

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Later that morning, since the bookstore was closed for Christmas day, Andrew was enjoying a leisurely walk through the town square. He held a small stack of presents, and went along to Miss Patty's to deliver the first one---some kind of rodent in a new coat of wrapping paper.

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"Oh, Taylor! Taylor, honey, my goodness, wait up!"

Taylor stopped halfway down the road and waited patiently as Patty made her way up to him, trailing a vintage Radio-Flyer wagon full of gifts behind her.

She plucked a gift bag from the top of the pile, with a white cardboard box inside, and handed it over. "Merry Christmas!"

She rushed away before he could say anything more than "Thank you, Patty." Curiously, he lifted the box out and pried the lid off.

It looked like...a yard figurine. Like a weasel or a ferret or something.

Taylor sighed. It would have been the perfect gift, but he already had an even number of them by the azaleas. _What on earth am I going to do with this?_

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The morning of December 26th, Luke was wiping down the counter when the bell on the door jingled, and a new customer breezed into the diner.

Luke looked up. "Hey, Kirk. What can I get ya?"

"Toast, dry. Cut it into crescent moons this time?"

Luke was confused, but hey, then again, it was Kirk. "Sure. What the hell." He went about setting the toaster and putting on a fresh pot of coffee.

Kirk insisted on initiating a conversation, as he usually did. "Man, I had the greatest Christmas yesterday," he began, taking a seat at the counter. "Mother got me those new Star Wars sheets like I wanted, and Taylor got me---well, check it out!"

Luke watched in a combination of horror and great amusement as Kirk reached under his seat and plunked a footlong ceramic weasel on the counter.

"Isn't it awesome?" He was so enthusiastic, it was almost sad.

Luke smiled, especially since Kirk had no idea why. "Oh yeah. I'm in awe, all right."


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